Did you know this? I kinda did from going to various websites and research and boards and such, but overall it's such a non-event. There is a race this Sunday in DC and I've seen it advertised on TV, but I'm not participating and have no desire to do so. I'm perfectly happy to fast forward through that commercial.
Part of it is that I don't want my tumor (or lack of tumor!) to define me. My mom was frustrated that I didn't want to celebrate having had the tumor removed once I was back up to speed. But I was back up to speed, I didn't want to be reminded of when I was stuck on the couch. I probably won't want to celebrate my 1 year anniversary either. Celebrating a successful surgery is also a reminder of having needed to have the surgery in the first place. Too much bad mixed up with my good.
But then I feel guilty for not being more involved in brain tumor awareness. Here I was, a young, healthy person who randomly found a tumor in her brain. And since no one knows how meningiomas come about, even the tumor was random. If I got one, anyone could. And if more people knew that meningiomas exist and more doctors knew to look for them, then more people would have successful outcomes. I was very lucky, others aren't. I should help those who aren't. Right? I know this, I do this for my job for so many other issues but I just can't drum up the desire to do it for the issue that actually affects me. And it's not just the brain tumor. There are other causes out there that personally affect me that I have a hard time publicly supporting - so much so that I'm not going to list them here. If I can do it as a "let's band together and support this concept in general" sort of way, then I'm on board. If I have to call myself out as someone affected, I'm completely mute. I also have a hard time talking about difficult subjects without crying and I hate crying.
That's just it. I don't like looking weak. I don't like drawing attention to my flaws, no matter how unresponsible I am for them. Especially if they're ones that can't be fixed. Even though my tumor was successfully, completely removed, there will always be the chance that it'll grow back. That chance will always be higher than someone who never had a tumor.
And that's also why I'm frustrated with my slow hair growth and why I'm quick to tell people that I'm back to 100% even though my leg does still bother me. When I list the ingredients of what makes the perfect Debbie cake, I just don't want meningioma to be on that list. Sucks.
2 comments:
Take care of yourself first! You have no obligation to go out and be a public face for Cause X just because it happened to affect you once upon a time. No one would ask survivors of sexual assault to go out and march about it with t-shirts on marking them as survivors. That's just cruel. And while of course that's an extreme example, I think it's the same thing. Do what feels right for you, and have no shame! You know you do a million things already to make the world a better place, not the least of which is just being you!
Okay, I'll get off my soapbox. :-)
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